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THE READING ROOM CONTAINS EROTIC MATERIAL & MAY NOT BE SUITABLE FOR YOUNGER READERS. PARENTAL DISCRESSION IS STRONGLY ADVISED.
Band, Bitches & Bud: Vol. 1
For J. C., Gabe & Malik. Love is a battlefield & it is my sincerest intention to equip you as best as I can. My only hope is that my life will serve as the cautionary tale to your bustling success.
I’m the new guy. I don’t have the best clothes or the best shoes. My haircut is plain to say the least. It probably won’t get much better for me later in life, yet, I have a master plan to elevate myself high above this mundane existence I have grown accustom to. I have recently found myself in a depressive & funky mood due to my status as the new guy. To pull myself out of it I turned to the one thing that constantly has been there for me through the good times & the bad, music. When my Grannie passed away, I submerged myself in jazz merely to get the opportunity to be considered a free spirit. While going through the process of finding a new me, I actually found what I believed to be my true calling, I had finally found my voice. I could relate to the drummer because of his syncopated rhythms & how they always seem to gel together in a system of organized confusion. The bass guitar naturally soothes me for some reason or another. I am not sure if it is the pops or the slaps I like the most, but I recall falling to sleep by the end of every bass solo. My favorite instrument is the piano.
I relate to the piano more than any other instrument because it is a hybrid instrument. The combination of strings & percussion seem crazy to me in a oxymoronic sense, but I believe all beautiful things have some sense of madness about them. Flowers can grow & blissfully blossom from a patch of dirt, only to be thwarted into a pile of mulch with a blink of the eye. Even the finest meal from the finest restaurant has to begin with the demise of some form of a living organism, yet, somewhere between concept & consumption even the most overzealous activist has to step off the soap box to eat. The same principle can be utilized when thinking of relationships. The invasive process of getting to know someone new can be quite exhausting, while the act of making sweet, passionate love to that person for the first time has its very own pedestal sitting high above the sky.
That breathless moment when two bodies consent to connect at the same time, the softness of a woman’s curves being embraced by a man’s rough & brittle hands, that moment when the elastic from a woman’s panties releases itself from the inner part of her thighs; all are highly intoxicating to say the least. I really like the piano but I absolutely, positively love sex. I can’t decide weather it is the thought of sex, the actual participation in the act of sex or talking about sex, but it’s something I just can’t do without. It all started with hugs. As I grew to appreciate the delicate balance of nature, I also grew to appreciate the value of the all encompassing hug.
You see, there are different levels to hugging a woman. First is the “side hug”, which depreciates the defensive wall many women create for themselves. Second is the “booty out” hug. This hug is a step forward from the “side hug” because it eliminates the “look but don’t touch” concept. Next comes the “full body hug”. Pelvises are aligned, thighs are touching & arms are smothering the shoulders or the small of the back. The final stage to the hugging game is the all in, full fledged “hop on” hug. Her arms will wrap around your neck & her legs will wrap around your waist. The “hop on” hug places a man in a obligatory position to palm the woman’s assets to ensure she doesn’t fall to the ground. You can tell a lot about a woman by her hug, things she may never say out loud to anyone.
Being the proverbial “new guy” has its peaks in addition to its pitfalls. The downside is I am in a new city where I don’t have any friends or family to turn to when times get rough. The upside is I finally have the opportunity to pursue my dream of being a successful musician without the negativity from my past ruining my chances. Truth be told, I am a nymphomaniac who has relocated five times in the past three years because of my addiction to sex & money. I feel indifferent about calling my affection an addiction, but I promised myself I would never lie to myself after I decided to move the first time.
I switched coast because I wanted to fuck some new people. I grew tired of the same carbon copy, cut out chick planning some piece of shit wedding that I never could envision after smashing the cakes on the first day. Take Solar for example. When we first met, I was a cold hearted snake looking for my first smash & dash. Somehow Solar literally fell out of the sky into my arms. I still believe she was in the process of taking her own life but we stepped out of that moment in time as quickly as we fell into it. I’m not sure weather it was the euphoria of the free fall or whether it was just in her nature to be so friendly, but we went back to my place shortly thereafter. She laid on my bed the instant she walked through the door, kicking her high priced shoes to the floor. As I stood watching her, I could not overcome how attractive she was in addition to the fact she had attempted to take her own life less than fifteen minutes prior to her laying down on my bed. No sooner than I could reach the head of the bed, Solar pulled me close to her while resting her head against my junk. I felt aroused & embarrassed all at once, that was until my zipper had been unzipped & her hands had whipped my manhood in & out of her mouth with a passion I could only imagine would be reserved for a John or a husband. I was neither of the two. I was her knight in shining armor, enjoying the spoils of war and I really, really fucking enjoyed it. Solar, Solar, Solar! This woman started with the tip, consuming mouthfuls of me using her lips & tongue, no teeth included. She settled herself in a comfortable position on the bed, resting one hand on my ass while stroking me with the other. Just when I became uncomfortable with her hand on my butt she began cupping my testicles in the most gentle way, arousing me beyond my own understanding. Her mouth sounds were soft, her moans screamed for more. She removed her hand from its loving cup of glory, only to double stroke my shaft while twisting her head to & fro. I reached for her breast, I wanted to touch her nipple, I wanted to put my tongue inside of her hymen, she said no. Solar, you are such a giver. No sooner than that thought crossed my mind, she embraced my ass with both hands. Next she began kissing my pubic hair with all of me in her mouth. I am not sure weather Solar came up for air, even once. My knees began to buckle, my heart skipped a beat. She intentionally gagged once or twice then slowly backed away, kissing each millimeter she passed through her voluptuous lips. No sooner than she fully removed me from her mouth, I threw her down to the bed, spread her legs then committed to the best licking her snatch has ever seen. I started with her lower lips, kissing & licking each fold until she shivered with joy. Then, I began spelling each letter of the alphabet with my tongue all over her feminine area. Solar had lost it by the letter “O”. She grabbed me by the head & pulled me on top of her. I slowly slid inside of her with one hand on the bed & the other hand on her hip. She wanted it bad. Solar started panting & moaning, which aroused me even more. This whole situation hit its climax when she pushed me off the top, hopped on all fours, arched her back & said “put it in my ass!”
Solar, Solar, Solar! You are such a giver.
I have to be honest. Solar was a great lay, but no man woman or child has the right to cash out on life at their own discretion. We all have problems. Our ability to overcome these problems with dignity is what makes life such a mysterious blessing. Paying bills, raising children, helping the helpless in addition to possessing a general love for mankind, are trivial actions that can make or break a person. Solar was broken. Her sexual prowess was the mechanism she used to recover from years of abuse. I didn’t hesitate to shed a tear when she told me her back story, yet, I couldn’t conceive how or why she landed in my arms. I began to develop a unwarranted form of hatred for Solar’s Uncle who just so happened to live in my building at the time. This ass clown use to make Solar stroke his cock by shaking her thighs. That was until she grew breast. What a pedophile.
Solar wouldn’t press the issue so I took it as she gave it, she talked as I listened to learn about the person she was. Her past has unknowingly created a being who lacks impulse control to the naked eye; underneath the surface lies a “man-anizing” beauty queen with a taste for blood. Solar…
Im the “new guy” on the scene. I got my axe in my hand & the boss hired me because I use the downstroke. My name is Valentino Barkenstuff, guitarist extraordinaire. It’s ye “Old Mexican Standoff” when I step on the stage because I can help you across the big river. Don’t let the soft exterior fool you, I can help you underneath that river as well.
I am the quintessential rock star who has transcended to “Uber Star” status in a short amount of time because of my “off-stage antics”. I put the SDR in sex, drugs & rock. This reckless lifestyle came naturally to me, it was as if I was raised by some street person who concealed themselves until the music came on. Some of the guys say it’s the countless numbers of women throwing sexual bliss in & on their face, I say it’s the music. You can get any woman to do what she has already made up in her mind to accomplish with the proper motivation, the hard part is dealing with that woman after the fact.
Solar stuck to me like a wet napkin after we had sex & to be quite honest, I loved it. We pleasured each other manually in the ticket booth on the first day then went to lunch. After lunch we went to the piano lab where she rode my shaft, I played a song to cover the fact we were fucking. Upon leaving the piano lab we utilized the power of the “hop on hug” for sex against the wall behind the music building. Now that I think about it we fucked everyday, all day. That was until she introduced me to her friend Onyx. Solar & Onyx were lovers of some sort who had the plan to get pregnant by the same man at the same time. They would break up until they found a suitable partner then they would get back together when either of them found that special guy. On the first night Onyx came to visit we fucked each other like people in love fuck each other. Onyx snuggled between my legs saying how she couldn’t wait to finally suck me off. Solar smacked her on the ass & told her to keep her fucking feelings to herself. Onyx replied “yes mama” like a perfect little gem, kissed her clit then clobbered my manhood with gobs of lips, tongue & esophagus. Solar loved to watch her sit & suck because it showed how submissive Onyx was despite her flawless exterior. I watched Solar grab my shaft with one hand & shove Onyx’s open mouth to the bottom of my throbbing muscle just to see the look in her eyes. SHE FUCKING LOVED IT! I have never seen her so excited about life since the first day I met her. Solar enjoyed Onyx mostly for her company, but having a sexual relationship with her made things all the better. She kissed Onyx on the lips while I was buried in her throat. Solar licked between Onyx’s legs while Onyx stood in a three point stance of cock cleaning. Onyx was not only a catcher, but a swallower as well as a restarter. It took no time at all to get erect after Solar put her 36C’s in my face because Onyx began to give us both oral pleasure at he same time. Solar buried her head in the cushion behind me but Onyx buried her head inside of Solar, that is, when Solar’s holy hole was free of my blood filled crown. This went on for hours. Solar on top of me & Onyx underneath us, then Onyx on top of me & Solar hovering over us both. I began to believe in something when I saw Solar throw Onyx onto the bed. With both of their pink cookies waiting patiently to be crushed by my building, I got behind Solar’s voluptuous ass & put my face in it. I licked Solar, then I licked Onyx. I went back & forth between their peaches, dying to have more of the peach I left behind, until Onyx pleaded for me to put my manhood inside of her. Once I parted her pinkness, Solar arched her back to signal it was her turn. She was ready for anything so I plowed her field with a fury I have used since that day. It was great. Solar, Onyx & the sex was just fucking great. The grand finale occurred when Solar told me to lay on my back while she & Onyx both rode me into my deabilitating climax, which they disbursed evenly between the two of them.
“We are all celestial beings, floating around the cosmos with not nearly enough time to do some unimportant thing for somebody who’s an ungrateful such and such! We drink what we can afford unless someone else is buying the drink. We smoke some days and others, we blow all the way back. “What’s good” is not just a question for a person who plans on visiting a new restaurant, just as “keeping it real” has always been a suggestion rather than a hip way of life. I have pumped up the jam till I was all cried out over you. My love was your drug but you just wanted a quickie with no bite marks, no scratches and no hickeys. I can dig it and I mean really get lost in it, but you only want to get brushed and groped light enough to feel it, not hard enough to notice that it happened. Man, oh phenomenal bearer of all things testosterone related, I am tired of your funky breath ass trying to get a sweaty shift out of those holes concealed by my teeth and my panty hose. I knew this would happen before I saw you face to face for the first time, yet, it did not alter my actions. I want, no I need to let you know, we may be God’s Property, but I am the one who has to make the choices for me in my life. Look baby, I can be your very own Disneyland when ever you decide to cum to the happiest place on earth. Dream of me every time you close your eyes my love…
“Do you see me? I see you and I like what I see! The twinkle in your eye when you look at me, the light perspiration on the palm of your hand when it touches mine. You know you want the same thing I want, hot passion with spine tingling romance mixed all into one unforgettable moment in time. Lips on lips on lips, with hands on hips on nips is enough to make the strongest woman shake to the soul. The anticipation, the thoughts of you as I pleasure myself the way I would want you to. The last thing I would ever want from you seems to be the only thing I think of all day, every day, all the time. Truth be told, the way to my heart is truth and honesty, yet, you never tell me when, where or how you want it. Just send me a message! I won’t tell a soul.-Onyx”
I woke up to these two letters on the table, yet Solar & Onyx were lying in the bed next to me & they were fast asleep. Some people find love in the traditional sense while others never find love at all. I refused to continue living a lifeless existance, made a conscious decision to make a change, then I wake up to love letters from the weather girl & her lover, the judge.
That was then, this is now. My talent has brought me a long way from sitting in my room, wondering how I would pull myself out of a rut. Eating Ramen Noodles created a desire within me to become so much more than a student, there was no one or nothing who could have stopped me. Being a “child podigy” left little room for error on my part, especially when you take into account there was a paparazzi frenzy when I first arrived at the University. When you accomplish extraordinary feats in life long before you graduate from high school, things tend to look less than luxurious as time flies by. It’s kind of like a cloud in the sky. Take my Senior Prom for example. While most guys from my graduating class had a date who either went to our school or lived in our neighborhood, I was escorted to prom by two drop dead gorgeous call girls who felt they had missed out on something in life, so, going to prom seemed like a great idea to them. They were the same age as high school students, but they were working girls who were winners at life because they were advanced beyond their years should have allotted them to be. I guess that could happen to any girl, bi or straight, from any age group; you know, turning tricks. Lets be honest, women sell themselves proverbially to prospective employers & lovers alike. On one end you have the desire of an applicant, hopeful & optimistic about the turn of events that could possibly change ones life through hard work & preserverance. On the contrary, you have a person clawing for the love & affection of another. As time progresses the limits to what a woman will do for love & affection slowly disappear just as the monitory compensation for showing such dedication to the cause slowly reaches no boundaries. Women love money & men love women. The exchange of goods or cash for sex can be traced back to The Garden of Eden when the serpent convinced Eve to eat from The Tree of Knowledge. Maybe that’s stretching the story a bit. Truth is, society has enabled mankind to thwart all of it’s sins, vices & indescressions on the glorious day man was convinced by woman to eat from The Tree of Knowledge, yet, no one acknowledges The Serpent actually told woman the truth when he said nothing would happen after eating fruit from the tree.
DAMN THAT WAS SOME RANDOM SHIT!
WHAT THE HELL?
“Who in the fuck dropped that box?” screamed Toya, the tour manager.
“I know y’all can hear me because I’m loud as hell! Who dropped that fucking box of CDs?” she continued. A faint echo whimpered from the shadowed corner “I did Toya. Please don’t…”, then Toya screamed as quick as the box of limited edition CDs hit the ground “your fired! Get the fuck out of here. Please don’t stand your punk ass around me.” she yelled with a fury that made everyone under the sound of her voice pass gas. She continued “can someone capable of carrying a fucking box please bring in the rest of the merch we need this kiosk set up in thirty minutes!” The crowd of onlookers scattered like ripples, grabbing boxes & boards as quick as they could. Not me. I stood still, struck by this five foot two inch woman controlling people as though she was in charge of their life not just their career. I stared at her as if I were a deer trapped in her proverbial headlights, her golden copper skin tone had to be the smoothest I have ever seen. I stared at Toya so hard it was as if she began floating towards me, her hair flowing in the wind, her breast bouncing slightly with every step that brought her my way. This seems like some freaky dream sequence brought to reality. Oh shit!
“What the fuck are you staring at dip shit?” Toya said. “Are you staring at my breast? Follow me!” By the time I regained consciousness, Toya had drug me outside by my arm & we were standing in front of her trailer. Within seconds she had flung open the door, snapped her finger & ordered me to go inside. No sooner than I headed up the staircase I heard the trailer door slam shut. Next Toya said “Do you have a problem with me?” I couldn’t talk, I began to sweat not to mention my jeans were tight because…”your dick is rock hard!” Toya wispsered in a deep & seductive voice. We stared into each others eyes and we knew what would happen next. Toya walked slowly towards me while raising her miniskirt up above her hips, revealing she wasn’t wearing any panties. Before I knew it my belt had been unbuckled & my zipper had been unzipped, leaving my pants wrapped around my ankles & Toya’s womanhood wrapped around my shaft. She bent over in front of me and I mounted her, embracing her hips while thrusting my manhood into her love muffin. It seems as though the harder I pumped the more she wanted to be pumped hard. She turned her head & said to me “punished this pussy daddy. I’m a mean ass bitch. Please, break me in.” With the greatest of ease, she bent over & held her ankles while taking “The D”. I grabbed her by the hips and I began to pump as hard as I could. Her firm, voluptuous, round ass smacked against my stomach, making me quiver with excitement. I knew I had to pull out, I knew the sex had become to much so I began to plan my exit strategy. When my thrust began to loose their might Toya turned to me and said “don’t pull out without leaving me that package.” I knew exactly what she meant, she wanted my liquid kids to float in her sea of sexuality. I grabbed two handfuls of ass cheeks & trampled all over her field of pinkness one thrusting pump at a time. She let go of her ankles then placed her hands around my neck; Toya arched her back & muffled her screams as she released a tsunami of liquid diamonds down my shaft. I couldn’t hold back any longer, I had to ejaculate. I snuggled my face in her neck as I released inside of her womb; she cried tears of pleasure as she began to faint helplessly into my arms. On paper Toya was my boss but, behind the scenes, I owned her.
April 1, 1997
South Bend, IN
Here I am on this train three feet from the most beautiful pair of lips known to man. Toya is fair skinned, well groomed & going somewhere. Where? I do not know, but i know she just walked past me & I didn’t say a word. I definitely looked, I didn’t speak. It always ends up this way, I guess it’s just the universe showing itself. I would have loved to taste her waterfall. Maybe another time or in another life. Would have been fantastic I bet.
April 3, 1997
This is the funniest shit ever. Toya has to be in her early thirties yet she look like she really needs it bad. I know Solar is an unfaithful woman but I just can’t bring myself to the level she is ever so comfortable being on. Another pair of voluptuous lips just passing by with no words. What beautiful lips you have…
April 4, 1997
I don’t want to even the score I just want something more. I notice you & I am flabbergasted Toya. Wow. I have sat across from this woman since March 29th and I can’t help having a feeling she wants to touch her ankles again. Do you know something I don’t. Is Solar that much of a whore that you come here everyday to fuck her man the way she fucked yours? You listen to me lady! I’m getting off this train right now. Mental note to self, Solar is a whore; Toya is great in bed.
April 7, 1997
Las Vegas, NV
What do I feel? I can feel Toya grabbing my shaft with both hands, taking mouthfuls as she finally evens the score by giving it up to the man of the bitch who fucked her man. Toya I can see you are totally into pleasing me because you just refuse to let me eat that primped and pampered pussy. It’s cool. I love the way you take me in your mouth. I can see you are in the midst of an orgasm. Good day to you thick lips.
April 9, 1997
To sit in a den of croak-less hens can be compared to dropping a maxi pad in a room full of menstruating women. It is human nature to judge yourself, but to exuberate your lack of self confidence in such a way that it radiates is unheard of. Sad yet true Toya.
April 11, 1997
Now there is a pair of tits that look tasty. You got some milk for daddy? Yes you do my love. Oh, a little workout got you all sweaty? I bet you need a good scrubbing! Ahh, I bet it would be nice & clean. So beautiful. I need you tonight baby, tonight & every night. I will dream of you. I will have you. You will be my lover. I don’t know you now, I will know you soon.
April 12, 1997
New Orleans, LA
This selfie queen look like she can really churn the butter. I wonder do those lips come full on both tiers? One set red & the other set pink! Whatever Toya is listening to has her bumping & grinding like a slow jam. I bet when she tickles her clit she really takes her time. With fingernails that long you got to be careful.
“Valentino!” screamed a voice from across the street. “What?” I replied with a deep bellowing bark. “It’s me baby! Come over here!” echoed the high pitched voice. I knew that voice but I couldn’t put my finger on it. As I crossed the street, it became clear to me who or what I was walking in to. It was Sheboo, the second most sexual being I have ever known. She was ordinarily beautiful to say the least, but today, she sat at a sidewalk cafe next to Toya looking busted in a sweatsuit & she was wearing a baseball cap. “Toya! What you doing? I’ve been looking for you.” I said in a tone that would let Sheboo know she didn’t have a chance in hell. “Why the fuck you looking for her? Oh, is this the shit you doing?” Said Sheboo. “Hold up. You know this guy?” Shouted Toya. “Yeah!” Replied Sheboo. “That’s my girl Solars’ baby daddy but she a hoe. I’m trying to tell dude but he just don’t get it.” She ranted. I blocked Sheboo out of my mind then said to Toya “I get it but I want you to have it, that’s all.” I walked away, hoping she couldn’t take her eyes off me, wishing she sat at the same table fanning herself because of a sudden rise in temperature. I crossed the street & went about my business without looking back.
I couldn’t look back because Sheboo was gorgeous in all the right places & I knew I wanted her in a sexual way. Before I left Solar, Sheboo moved into our house one night after she won big at the casino. She became paranoid about people monitoring her POL. The cool thing about having Sheboo for a roommate was she didn’t have a boyfriend nor was she into girls. She would wear boxers & tank tops all day, weather coming or going, she would always have on a pair of boxers & a tank top. She was not flirtatious at all in the beginning, contrary to her current demeanor. She was quiet, she barely smiled let alone talked, which seemed odd to me on so many different levels. Solar was her friend, I tried to respect those boundaries as a “good man” would naturally do; up until the point they fail at it. When I failed to respect those boundaries I failed with a vengeance. I found myself laying flat on the bed when Solar would make her runs, longing to be inside of Sheboo. I would raise my penis upward towards my stomach, grind on the bed thinking of her firm breast pressed against my chin as she holds my head. Her moans are not of desperation nor are they needy by any stretch of the imagination. Her legs flow with my body while her relaxed yet sturdy vaginal walls are welcoming & conforming. She wipes mounds of sweat from my chest with handfuls of sweat from my forehead with no complaints. Any woman can fake sex with a man. But in my mind at the time, Sheboo wanted me to be the only man. Keep in mind, by the time I release inside of my boxers, I can hear Sheboo saying “thank you for the package daddy. Solar has many men. I don’t asshole!”. That was the truth. Sheboo could be most commonly be compared to a busty beauty queen who’s caboose matches the brazier rack; minus the ab flab. I imagined fucking her on the bed, in the shower, while laying on the floor, watching the television, the TV watching me & then finally Solar watching me. That’s when I met Onyx, which subsequently is the same day Sheboo moved out. I had to get away from that bitch because she resides within my soul. That person you dream of giving the grown & sexy to even when they are acting like a whole, unattractive grown person. I knew my limits when it came to drugs, alcohol & Sheboo. This shit made me cry. There are no limits in rock & roll, when you are a rock god…
Toya went to the limit trying to get me another gig after the tour went bust. She landed me a role in a mini series, two episodes of a scetch comedy show & the lead role in a sit com. This script reading business is the most non sexual experience known to man.
INT. LOU’S APARTMENT – BEDROOM – DAY SLOW ZOOM – A VENT BLOWING SIX PIECES OF MEDIUM SIZED YARN AT A HIGH RATE
LOU LIENDA V.O. ( calm yet distinct ) i was born in 1976, yet i have not felt alive until today. i have always believed my past could not determine my future, that was until i saw a video on the internet that changed my life. i began to look at what i consider to be my shortcomings and cross referenced those flaws to specific events from my past. contrary to my previous beliefs, i began to realize how my past actually effects the person i am today, which is why today is the first day i feel alive.
EXTREME CLOSE UP – VENT STOPS AND YARN FALLS AGAINST THE VENT CUT TO :
EXT. OUTSIDE – DAY ANGLE ON – LOU SMOKING A CIGARETTE WAITING FOR A BUS
LOU LIENDA V.O. ( still calm & distinct ) I have had a history of promiscuity, alcoholism as well as drug abuse. These vices have built a dependent being who I have been working to emancipate for well over twenty weeks.
Lou flicks the cigarette as the bus arrives. He gets on the bus and sits in the rear row near the window.
INT. BUS – DAY
LOU LIENDA V.O. ( more frantic than calm ) The down side is this, I have traded each old vice for a new one. These new vices have become just as hazardous to my well being as their predecessors.
INSERT VIEW OF STREETS :
LOU LIENDA V.O. Instead of being promiscuous, I have developed a dysfunctional need to either be single and abstinent or to be involved in a train wreck of a relationship merely for the constant access to a sex partner.
PAN BACK TO LOU :
LOU LIENDA V.O. I have willingly classified sex as love, while not truly loving the person whom I had sex with. I have allowed women to live in my home without any contribution to the household, outside of their sexual prowess. I cater to these “significant others” for the love of sex and these “significant others” have sex with me only in the hopes that they can one day wean me off the vagina.
Lou gets off the bus and walks down the street.
EXT. STREETS – DAY LOU’S POV – WALKING
LOU LIENDA V.O. it is my fault merely because i should have the will to stay focused and not give in to the weakness of my flesh, right? i am a christian, not christ himself. these facts withheld, the society we live in has life facilitated to the point where i feel trapped not because i am black but because a “woman’s” right to choose has taken away my civil rights as a human being.
Lou walks up to the church and enters removing his hat.
INT. CHURCH – DAY
Lou greets the people he sees as he heads up the back staircase which leads to the sanctuary.
LOU LIENDA V.O. ( relaxed ) i need to make better choices in reference to relationships as well as the company i keep, yet, i sometimes wonder did my mother anticipate life would be this way when she was a bra burner? i wonder would her decisions have been different in the event she knew her child would suffer to this extent from life’s twisted turn of events? i wonder can my mother be as proud of her son as she is in reference to the progress of women in today’s society?
Lou takes off his coat lays it besides the organ, out of view, turns on the organ and begins to play the hymn “there is a fountain filled with blood”
LOU LIENDA V.O. Probably not, she believes there is still much work to be done. I wonder how many other mothers from that generation have domesticated their sons to empower themselves as people? I have noticed that I have learned how to sleep with the enemy without becoming an enemy to myself. I believe this ability to emotionally detach myself from my surroundings stems from living life as an “inner city youth”. The desire to live outside of the ghetto without the means to do so gave me a vivid imagination, a never give up attitude along with the drive to know I would be so much more than I would see in a daily basis.
PAN TO- CROWD OF PARISHNERS WORSHIPING & SINGING
LOU LIENDA V.O. ( with some sense of relief ) Truth be told, I am still that little boy waiting on the steps for a father who never showed. I sit on those steps everyday in my mind, just waiting to go to some awesome place where life is awesome, happy and worth grabbing by the horns for the ride of all rides. Just sitting and waiting. Sad, but true.
EXTREME CLOSE UP – LOU PLAYING THE ORGAN
CUT TO :
EXT. OUTSIDE THE CHURH – DAY Lou is smoking a cigarette leaning on the wall talking on the phone.
LOU LIENDA ( eagerly ) What’s good Kiddo! What you got cracking today?
KIDDO CUTTER Nothing much fam, what you on?
LOU LIENDA I’m at church right now but I’m trying to get up with you when I get through. You gonna be at the crib?
KIDDO CUTTER Yep. I’ll check you when you get here.
LOU LIENDA Bet up!
KIDDO CUTTER Alright then.
LOU LIENDA Later.
Lou hangs up the phone, drops the cigarette down the sewer drain and re-enters the church, returning to the organ.
INT. CHURCH SANCTUARY – DAY
LOU LIENDA V.O. In the early years of the millennium, I was involved in a car accident I was not awake to witness. I woke up in the morning ten miles from where I was last conscious, walked to my car only to notice it had been wrecked. At the instant I realized what happened, I heard the voice of God say “I saved you this time, next time I’m gonna kill you”.
FADE TO BLACK :
EXT./INT. KIDDOS CAR, GARAGE & ALLEY – DAY
Lou & Kiddo pass a blunt back and forth while washing Kiddo’s car. The radio is on and the garage door is open. They interact yet Lou’s v.o. Is the only audible voice.
LOU LIENDA V.O. ( more laid back than usual ) In my opinion, there is nothing worse than karma because of the adverse physical and mental effects of ones actions resurfacing as the actions of someone else. Like I always say, karma is one mean ass bitch and when she on her period, she will bleed all over you.
Lou and Kiddo share a hardy laugh, still smoking & passing to one another while washing the car.
LOU LIENDA V.O. ( with a little attitude ) Women only want money from men and they are willing to pay with their pussy up until they have reached a point where they can renegotiate the terms and conditions of the exchange.
CLOSE UP – LOU DAZED & CONFUSED
LOU LIENDA V.O. The sweet baby Jesus had a prostitute so why do I feel as though I don’t deserve one? Because as I stated before, I am a Christian; I am not Christ himself.
INSERT – WEDDING PHOTOS IN A SEQUENCED FLASH
LOU LIENDA V.O. I don’t want a bisexual woman because she will not move her girlfriend in with us, she will pretend as though she wants me to herself, keep banging that chick and she probably would do it every time I leave the house. I am officially reinstating my silent social protest as an active way of life.
CUT TO SKY :
INT. LOROU’S DEN – NIGHT
Lorou and Linen sit in a basement storage area set up to plan a master crime. They are focused & quiet about their conversation.
LOROU LIENDA ( synical ) Going to college directly after high school seems to be the worst decision I have made, only when I see a commercial for the Marines or when I watch a movie with some military theme.
LINEN LIENDA ( sadly ) When I arrived on the yard, they called me a band geek, not because of my grade point average or because I was a mad scientist, but simply because I kept to myself. Being the social butterfly, I felt no need to be apart of any particular group to feel as though I had some social significance.
LOROU LIENDA ( almost laughing ) Just as I suspected, college was no different from high school, which in turn was no different from the blue collar world I find myself submerged in as a working man, free to make my own decisions.
LINEN LIENDA ( infuriated ) Music is apart of our lives just like Lou, so, as social beings we march to the beat of our own drummer, living aside one other. While we go off to perform our day to day activities, we find some way to muscle through the redundancy with a smile and a pleasant attitude.
LOROU LIENDA ( screaming ) Fuck a smile! Fuck a pleasant attitude! ( whispering ) Fuck Lou too.
LINEN LIENDA So what’s the plan Lorou? Lorou goes inside his pocket & pulls out a small notepad.
LOROU LIENDA Now you know Lou gets the itch every now & then to go to the casino. I got a bitch on the inside who knows what jackpots are remaining at the end of the week. She gonna handle her end, we only got to wait for her call.
LINEN LIENDA ( inquisitively ) What time will the bus get to the spot? You know I can’t be up too late now! I get cranky & I can’t work cranky Lorou!
LOROU LIENDA ( angrily ) Shut the fuck up man! You will be Straight ok! We gonna walk through the plan until you got it down! Now who did you get the thumper from?
LINEN LIENDA I got it from Kiddo. He got the best prices.
LOROU LIENDA Good. Be careful around that mutha fucker. He cool with Lou & you just don’t know what his deal Is. Keep it quiet around his ass man! You heard me?
LINEN LIENDA I got it!
LOROU LIENDA Lets take a ride. Lorou & linen leave out the door.
SLOW PAN – CLOSED DOOR TO NOTEPAD ON THE TABLE
INSERT NOTEPAD : Notepad reads: 1. Thumper 2. Whip 3. Gas 4. Duck Tape 5. Rubber Ball 6. Scarf 7. Blow Torch 8. Hangers 9. Alcohol 10. Notepad
FADE TO WHITE :
INT. LOU’S APARTMENT – KITCHEN- NIGHT
Lou is cooking in the kitchen & watching tv.
LOU LIENDA V.O. Being a musician created a happy medium within me that was as easy to display as it was to eliminate with one simple tune. It always started and ended the same way, some showboat gets loud to impress the crowd, the showboat looses the crowd to one jaw dropping insult, then the showboat either wants to fight or be friends. It never fails. Looking back at life at a glance, I really have to consider how many true friends I have because at one point or another, everybody has taken a shot at being the one to get the best of me in some shape, form or fashion. How utterly disgusting.
PAN TO LOROU & LINEN :
EXT./INT. LOROU’S CAR – IN A PARKING LOT
Lorou & Linen sit inside Lorou’s car eating & reviewing their master plan.
LOROU LIENDA Right there is where we will wait Until my bitch call me. We stay put until she calls. No bathroom breaks no breaks at all.
LINEN LIENDA No problem. How much do you think We gonna get?
LOROU LIENDA It depends on how much the nigga walk away with. Any good hit could be for ten to fifteen thousand each.
LINEN LIENDA Bam! Just like that!
LOROU LIENDA ( laughing ) Bam! Just like that! Lorou & Linen shake hands & toast a shot.
FADE TO TREE :
EXT. PARK – UNDER A TREE – DAY
Lou sits reading a newspaper. people are traveling by while sheryl & therese are stretching before their jog. lou gets sheryl’s attention because of how out of place he seems. she is out to get his attention one way or another.
SHERYL ( eagerly ) Girl I can’t wait until tonight! I hope you know I’m gonna party Like a rock star. Get like me baby girl!
THERESE ( laughing ) Yeah, ok. You might find yourself A man here in the park, then you gonna say “I can’t make it girl, I got a man!”
SHERYL Stop it!
THERESE No! I see you checking that dude out. You ain’t fooling me baby.
Therese motions towards Lou while Sheryl tries effortlessly to stop her.
LOU LIENDA ( slyly ) I’m checking you out too. My name Is Lou. It’s nice to meet you.
Sheryl & Therese are both apparently shocked by Lou’s response. Lou folds his newspaper, then approaches the ladies with his hand extended.
SHERYL ( flustered & blushing ) Hey. I’m Sheryl & this is my sister Therese.
LOU LIENDA ( gently embracing Sheryl’s hand ) Hey. So, we don’t have to skip out on your plans for tonight. That is unless you want some alone time.
SHERYL ( still flustered ) What?
LOU LIENDA I figure it would be a nice first date. You can get to know me & your sister can judge me.
THERESE Well that sounds like a great plan.
SHERYL ( bitterly ) Shut up Therese!
LOU LIENDA (pulls out a business card ) Well here is my card. What time should I be ready?
THERESE ( butting in ) Starts at 9 but you will want to pick her up a little earlier to get comfortable.
SHERYL ( to Therese ) Excuse me! ( to Lou ) I can call you at 7 if you’ll be available.
LOU LIENDA That sounds perfect. I look forward to speaking with you.
SHERYL Well it’s a date!
LOU LIENDA I can’t wait. Enjoy your run.
SHERYL & THERESE Ok. Bye.
LOU LIENDA ( laughing ) See you later.
Lou returns to his spot under the tree while Sheryl & Therese start off jogging.
FADE TO BLACK :
INT. LOCAL BAR – DAY
Lorou & Linen sit in a bar drinking & waiting for the perfect opportunity to rob the place. They sit anxiously with guns under their jackets, dressed in all black. There are two patrons of the bar in a heated debate.
BARTENDER ( agitated from rowdy patrons ) You guys need another refil?
LOROU & LINEN No thank you sir. We can settle the tab when you are ready.
Lorou & Linen gesture to the two patrons knocking over drinks at a table in the bar.
INSERT TWO PATRONS IN A HEATED DEBATE ABOUT TO TURN PHYSICAL. BARTENDER WALKS INTO THE SCENE TO ESCORT THE DRUNKARDS OUT THE DOOR.
PATRON 1 ( loud & angry ) I don’t give a fuck what you say! Micheal was the baddest son of a bitch to ever touch a stage.
PATRON 2 ( angry but calm ) I told you asshole I agree with you! You need to take your drunk ass home!
PATRON 1 ( still angry ) Fuck you! Take your ass home you drunk mother fucker. It’s the middle of the day & you that fucked up.
PATRON 2 ( leaving the bar ) I don’t know why I talk to you.
PATRON 1 ( following behind patron 2 ) I don’t know why I talk to you!
Both patrons leave the bar & the bartender goes to the cash register to ring up the drinks Lorou & Linen have had. The bartender turns around to guns drawn & Linen rushes to lock the door.
BARTENDER ( nervously ) I don’t want no trouble. Just take what you want & go on your way. No need for this to turn ugly boys.
Linen goes behind the bar, opens the register only to find $94. He flashes the cash to Lorou.
LOROU LIENDA ( synical ) Ok buddy. You got one of two choices. Tell me where the money is or we can look for it ourselves. Either way, we not leaving without the bread man.
CUT TO :
EXT. FRONT OF THE BAR – DAY
Patron 1 & Patron 2 are in the parking lot about to fight, while Patron 3 attempts to open the door to the bar without any success. Patron 3 walks away while Patron 1 & Patron 2 start to fight.
PAN TO :
INT. BAR – DAY
Lorou has the bartender by the collar with a gun to his head. Linen is checking behind the bar for the possible hiding places where money can be found.
LOROU LIENDA ( extremely upset ) You think it’s a fucking game don’t you! ( smacks the bartender with his gun ) Bitch it’s about to get real up in here! Where is the fucking safe?
BARTENDER ( distraught & dazed ) We ain’t got no safe man. The boss takes the cash with him every night.
LINEN LIENDA ( ainxious ) That’s bullshit! The nigga lying!
At this point I had to change scripts. I need some comic relief.
INT. PRISON LIVING AREA- DAY
Conan sits center, Ducshe Bag sits to the left with Prisoner 1, Prisoner 2 sits to the right with one chair separating Conan from Prisoner 2. C.O. Sits at a desk.
C.O. ( from the desk ) Alright guys! It’s time for the news so pipe down!
ALL PRISONERS Come on man!
C.O. Gives a nonchalant nod & grin.
DUCSHE BAG This happens every day man, its the same shagrinery every, mother love you, day. Every day man!
PRISONER 1 Yes! Thats right, thats for sure right.
CONAN Be cool fam. ( to the c.o. ) Hey C.O. We love the news.
ALL PRISONERS ( over enthusiastically ) Yeah! ( slight pause )
CONAN ( forcefully ) Hey bitch!
Bitch comes running to Conan, clinches on to Conan’s calf muscle while looking up to the sky.
BITCH ( with pride & clarity ) Yes Conan The Asshole Rapist Worst Nightmare Barbarian Style, how can I prove myself worthy of a hero today?
CONAN What’s the word on the deck?
BITCH ( still clinching to the calf ) It is a most beautiful day on the Deck today! All assholes are closed, all dicks are limp all teeth are grit shut & all inner mouth flesh is flush to those grit teeth!
CONAN Good. You may leave me now. I do not expect you to go to far, you understand?
BITCH ( reserved ) Yes Conan.
CONAN ( ferociously ) Conan what?
BITCH ( loudly ) Conan The Asshole Rapist Worst Nightmare Barbarian Style.
CONAN ( smiling ) Yeah… That’s my name, that’s my name, that’s my name.
Bitch gets up & walks out of the scene.
C.O. bangs on the desk.
C.O. ( stearnly ) Hey keep it down over there. I’m trying to watch the news over here.
PRISONER 1 Y’all see he trying to watch the, mother love you, news! Over there.
DUCSHE BAG Yep. That’s right, that is right!
CONAN ( furiously ) Hey fam! Don’t!
Conan signals with two fingers how Ducshe Bag & Prisoner 1 switch sayings. In walks Sarge to check the prisoners & get the log sheet from C.O.
SARGE Hey there.
C.O. Hoe there.
SARGE All going well on the homefront?
C.O. Going steady as she blows capitan.
SARGE Good. Can you give me your log book.
C.O. ( looking for the log book ) Sure thing.
Bitch strolls into the scene looking suspicious. He starts to objectify Sarge with his eyes, getting closer with each passing moment.
SARGE ( to bitch ) Would you get out of here already! I’m working over here.
Bitch walks off distraught yet still interested. C.O. Finds the log book & gives it to Sarge.
SARGE ( taking the log book ) Thanks I will get this back to you by the end of shift.
C.O. No problem Sarge.
Bitch creeps in close to Sarge startling both Sarge & C.O.
SARGE Would you get out of here already? Cant you see im working over here?
PRISONER 2 He working man! Check this out. ( he starts to tap dance ) I can make you famous. I got the dope moves son. I got the Mots, I Got the Mots! ( slaps Conan a high five ) I got the Mots!
CONAN You got the Mots man, you got the Mots.
SARGE Well, off i go into the deep blue Yonder. I’ll see you later.
C.O. Go win this one for The Gipper.
Sarge exits with the log book. Prisoner 2 stops tap dancing & sits down.
CONAN ( stearnly ) Hey Bitch!
Bitch enters the scene again clinging to Conan’s calf muscle.
BITCH ( proud & loud ) Yes Conan The Asshole Rapist Worst Nightmare Barbarian Style! How can I prove myself worthy of a hero today?
CONAN ( chilled & relaxed ) What’s on the menu for today?
BITCH Sandwich, snack & a kool aid pack.
Bitch puts on a jazz hand show with the hand facing the viewing audience from Conan’s calf muscle. It is flamboyant with snaps yet swift & to the point.
CONAN What’s the word on the deck?
BITCH ( still clinching to the calf ) All assholes are closed, all dicks are limp, all teeth are grit shut & all inner mouth flesh Is flush to those grit teeth.
CONAN You may leave me now. I do not expect you to go to far. I saw How you was looking at Sarge. ( shaking a closed fist in the air ) Don’t make me!
C.O. Trying to watch the news over here! Keep it down!
BITCH Yes Conan.
CONAN ( bitterly ) Conan what?
BITCH ( shy & synical ) Conan The Asshole Rapist Worst Nightmare Barbarian Style.
Bitch exits the scene.
CONAN ( self absorbed ) That’s my name! That’s my name! That’s my name!
Conan sits in the “Man Thinking” pose.
DUCSHE BAG ( in a rejoicing tone ) Oh say can you see?
PRISONER 2 ( in a public speaking voice ) By the dawns early light.
PRISONER 1 ( ainxiously ) That’s right! That is for sure right!
C.O. ( agitated ) Put a sock in your boxer trap hamster boy! I’m watching the news over here!
All the prisoners look at Prisoner 1 holding & stroking a hamster.
ALL PRISONERS Aye! Oh…Oh?! AYE!!!
CONAN Hey C.O. That statement could possibly be interpreted as somewhat offensive, yet, it was a necessary evil. You still cool man.
INT. JAIL CELL BLOCK – NIGHT
Conan sits in the jail cell with Ducshe Bag right before lights out. They are in their separate beds having a reflective conversation.
DUCSHE BAG ( slyly ) So what you miss most about the world?
CONAN ( snappy ) Being in it.
DUCSHE BAG ( more upfront ) Did your lady break down when you Caught your bid?
CONAN ( still snappy ) Yeah! Like a punk ass bitch… I got to toughen that chick up.
DUCSHE BAG ( almost laughing ) What was she thinking?
CONAN ( eagerly ) It’s like she just don’t get it. I’m in the life, catching a bid is just an occupational hazard.
DUCSHE BAG ( sincerely & passionately ) Word life. My chick was like “how I’m gonna pay he rent, I got kids To feed!” Yeah, yeah whatever.
CONAN ( lightheartedly ) How I’m suppose to get high I can’t tie myself off, say judge I Got needs.
DUCSHE BAG It’s the same number two on a different toilet.
CONAN Preach to the choir. Play us a song your the piano man.
DUCSHE BAG ( speaking “as a matter of factly” ) I never took piano. I wanted to be a cheerleader.
CONAN Sounds cool with you lifting the girls in the air & all.
DUCSHE BAG No. It wasn’t the girls.
CLOSE UP OF CONAN & DUCSHE BAG’S FACES DISPLAYING THE AWKWARDNESS OF HE SITUATION.
Conan & Ducshe Bag sigh. The conversation continues.
CONAN I am confused & intreigued… Mostly confused but, anyway.
DUCSHE BAG That’s what she said.
CONAN You making it worse for me right now.
C.O. ( furious ) I’m trying to read over here.
PRISONER 2 ( sporadically ) Y’all talking, y’all to loud, he trying to read over there.
PRISONER 1 That’s right! That’s a 10-4! Roger that! Ha!
CONAN & DUCSHE BAG HAVE ANOTHER CLOSE UP OF THEIR EXPRESSIONS IN RESPONSE TO PRISONER 1 & 2.
CONAN ( sentimentally ) I tell you this. Ain’t nothin like my woman. She got the lips of a angel & the thighs… Woo! I Love how the bitch thighs feel against my ears.
DUCSHE BAG Ain’t that nothing. How you get… ( slight pause ) Ohhhhh! I get it.
CLOSE UP OF CONAN & DUCSHE BAG’S FACES. CONAN IS ENJOYING THE MEMORY, DUCSHE BAG STARTS TO RUB HIS OWN CHEST SEDUCTIVELY.
CONAN ( still sentimental ) Talk about a chick who can hook a Steak up! That is one chef who can cook all over the house, you feel me.
DUCSHE BAG ( groaping himself ) I can dig it baby!
CONAN ( startled ) One time I was drunk and passed out & the girl tried to have sex with me up the butt.
DUCSHE BAG Well women have needs Conan.
CONAN ( furiously ) Not up her butt fool, up my butt.
CLOSE UP OF DUCSHE BAG & CONAN’S FACIAL EXPRESSIONS.
DUCSHE BAG ( concerned ) She had sex with you, up the butt When you were asleep.
CONAN She tried to.
DUCSHE BAG ( nonchelently ) Oh.
Conan picks up a magazine then hears Ducshe Bag manually pleasuring himself.
C.O. ( screaming ) I don’t want to hear another story about banging Conan up the butt. I’m trying to read over here!
PRISONER 2 Banging Conan up the butt?
PRISONER 1 That’s right. Bang that Conan right… Hey man.
Conan turns the magazine page & hears the whole cell block manually pleasuring themselves.
CLOSE UP OF EACH CHARACTERS FACIAL EXPRESSIONS WHILE MASTURBATING. C.O. IS AT THE DESK WITH MR. BO JANGLES & A TOILET PAPER ROLL.
FADE TO BLACK :
I don’t know what role I am playing but I know the timing has to be perfect in order for it to be funny.
EXT. DAY- FRONT OF THE YUARLY HOME
Each event is shown as Yancy Yuarly mentions them in his monologue.
YANCY YUARLY Well there is the house I spent well over thirty years living in. I keep my bills paid, my trash neat & my lawn cut. My wife of thirty years passed not more than a year ago, which officially made me not just old, but, old and grumpy. I miss my woman… Why did you have to go baby; you know I cant cook. Well, until I meet my lovely wife in the end, I live here with my son Obe, his new wife Ilene & his two kids Derrick and Dana. It’s not a problem the boy moved himself, his two kids & his new wife into my home, the thing is, Obe’s wife Ilene was once my nurse. I forgot to tell you; I had a heart attack not to long ago, my son moved here to take care of me. Such a good boy, such a good boy.
INT. DAY- YUARLY LIVING ROOM
Nathan walks through the front door in a black & white uniform. He is excited about getting his first job & working his first day.
NATHAN YUARLY (excited) Dad are you home?!
Nathan searches the house while Yancy continues his monologue.
YANCY YUARLY Now that is my son Nathan. He can’t find a needle in a sewing class but that boy has something special.
Nathan leaves out the back door of the house & approaches the garage. He notices smoke flowing out of a window while searching for his father.
NATHAN YUARLY (with force) Dad, come out of that garage!
CUT TO: INT.
DAY- GARAGE BEHIND YUARLY HOME
Yancy Yuarly is spraying body spray, cologne & fragrant oil on himself as he prepares to walk out of the garage.
YANCY YUARLY (to camera) Well, back to the real world.
Yancy walks out of the garage & is confronted by his youngest son Nathan Yuarly just as he closes the garage door.
NATHAN YUARLY Hey man what you doing in that garage?
YANCY YUARLY Hey man when did you become my parent?
NATHAN YUARLY (showing his paycheck) The day I got a job & a paycheck.
YANCY YUARLY (looks at check) You gonna pay me the money you owe me?
NATHAN YUARLY (holding cash) Yep.
YANCY YUARLY (taking cash) I had to take a smoke break. I got anxiety & some other stuff so don’t tell Ilene.
NATHAN YUARLY (laughing) Ok dad.
YANCY YUARLY (counting money) So how did it go with the new job, I see they pay good.
NATHAN YUARLY I love it dad. They both have a seat at a picnic table in the backyard.
NATHAN YUARLY (admiring paycheck) I got to work at 7, I worked for 8 hours now I must reap the benifits of my hard labor.
YANCY YUARLY (checking money) I’m proud of you Nate. Keep up the good work. I believe in you even when you don’t believe in yourself.
NATHAN YUARLY (leaving table) Thanks dad. I needed that.
Nathan goes into the house while Yancy makes a call on his cell.
YANCY YUARLY (mumbling) I did to son… (speaking clearly) Hey Dookie! You wanna shoot your shot? (pauses & smiles) I’m on the way.
Yancy hangs up the phone & clinches it in his hands close to his chin. Yancy is in deep thought yet, he remains calm.
CLOSE UP ON YANCY CUT TO BLACK:
INT. DAY- LIVING ROOM OF YUARLY HOUSE
Derrick & Dana are watching tv when Ilene returns home from work. Nathan is in the kitchen making a sandwich.
ILENE YUARLY (entering the door) Hello my beautiful children, how was your day?
DERRICK YUARLY P (turns off the tv) Well mom, today actually was a great day for me. What about you Dana?
DANA YUARLY (nervously) Everything was fine! What’s your problem?
DERRICK YUARLY (synically) My problem? No what’s your problem?
ILENE YUARLY (destinctly) Hey! You both… (low & loud) Cut it out!
DERRICK & DANA (sorrowful) Yes mom. Nathan enters the room with a sandwich.
NATHAN YUARLY (entering the living room) Whats with all the racket? You two need a Philly break.
DERRICK YUARLY What in the world is a Philly break?
NATHAN YUARLY (sits on the sofa) Its when you take the time to show some brotherly love to your sister. You act like enemies, where’s the love.
DANA YUARLY (snappy) Ain’t no love!
DERRICK YUARLY (surprised) Oh. Ok. Mom, Dana got expelled from school today. Parent teacher conference at 9am.
ILENE YUARLY (furious) What! How in the hell did you get kicked out of school.
DANA YUARLY (softly) I played a prank on a kid.
ILENE YUARLY (still upset) What you say? Why you mumbling? Speak up!
DANA YUARLY (audibly) I played a prank on a kid in school, he got hurt & I got kicked out of school.
NATHAN YUARLY (concerned) What exactly did you do Dana?
DANA YUARLY I wrapped his pelvis with duck tape.
NATHAN & DERRICK What?!
ILENE YUARLY (overwhelmed) Please don’t tell me we have to by some $100 pair of blue jeans for some spoiled brat who…
DANA YUARLY (restraining laughter) No. His pants are ok.
NATHAN YUARLY (appalled) Why did they suspend you for that? It sounds like a conspiracy.
ILENE YUARLY (calm & concerned) Dana baby, where did you put the tape at?
DANA YUARLY On his pelvis.
ILENE YUARLY (frantically) You said that already! Be specific!
DANA YUARLY (startled) I taped his bare pelvis. All of his bare pelvis. Then I ripped off the tape. All the way off. (shivers)
FULL TORSO SHOT OF ILENE’S REACTION CUT TO BLACK:
INT.NIGHT(CAR)-FRONT OF THE YUARLY HOME
Yancy sits inside of his car listening to hip-hop with his eyes closed. Nathan jumps into the car with a lit cigar not startling Yancy at all.
NATHAN (cigar out to Yancy) Hey dad, I got this from my boy Mikey. He said God bless Jah life & many blessings.
YANCY (takes the cigar) Boy what in the world are you talking about? (puts cigar out in ashtray) Get out of my car. Please index today as the day you were most responsible for yourself as a man. Good job! (closes ashtray)
NATHAN (excited) Thanks d…
YANCY (interupting) Out!
NATHAN (calmly) Right. See you.
Nathan exits the car while Yancy turns the music up & closes his eyes. Obe walks up & knocks on the window.
YANCY (rolling window down) I waited out here to talk to you so get in.
OBE YUARLY (closing car door) How you doing sir?
YANCY (eyes still closed) I’m fine. You on the other hand, have a situation on the front line. Stay calm, be strong & get the facts. (looks at Obe)
OBE YUARLY (blankly) Ok, I mean yes sir.
YANCY Ok get out my car.
OBE YUARLY (exiting car) Smoke break?!
YANCY Out, boy.
CAMERA SHOWS YANCY RETURNING TO HIS MEDITATION.
FADE TO BLACK:
INT. NIGHT- YUARLY LIVING ROOM
Ilene, Derrick & Dana sit on the sofa waiting for Obe to get home. Nathan is in the kitchen eavesdropping on the conversation taking place.
OBE YUARLY (entering house) What’s up guys? Why the long faces? What’s going on?
ILENE YUARLY (exhausted) Well honey, Dana has something to tell you. Right Dana?
DANA YUARLY (hesitant) Well dad, I got suspended from school today.
OBE YUARLY (startled) You say what? Where they make those at. How much?
DANA YUARLY No dad I don’t need money, I got expelled from school for putting tape on somebody.
ILENE YUARLY (firmly but calm) Dana.
DANA YUARLY (shyly) I just wanted to…
ILENE YUARLY (shouting) Dana Monique Yuarly!
DANA YUARLY (swiftly) I like this football player who never notices me so I got my friends to hold the dude down while I put duck tape on his pelvis. I thought he had clothes on under the towel.
NATHAN YUARLY (entering & exiting) Oh hell no! Oh no she didn’t!
OBE YUARLY Nate chill out.
ILENE YUARLY (irate) Dana! Oh hell no!
DERRICK YUARLY (appalled) Oh no she didn’t! I can’t believe it!
OBE YUARLY Dana, what were you thinking. You are no better than a thug or a bully.
ILENE YURLY (calm) Parent teacher conference at 9. Derrick lets go so your dad & Dana can talk.
Ilene & Derrick leave the room as Nathan storms into the room.
NATHAN YUARLY (loudly) Son of a Christmas sandwich, biscuit eating pie maker.
OBE YUARLY Nate chill!
NATHAN YUARLY Is the boy a Richie rich, a braniac or at least a starter?
DANA YUARLY (smiling) He’s the quarterback.
OBE YUARLY (shocked) Really? How small is this dude?
NATHAN YUARLY (interrupting) No, how big are your (dropping his tone) Friends?
DANA YUARLY Dad, Uncle Nate. In this new millennium a young woman of my stature has to make her mark in this “dog eat dog” world. With the cheer squad, the Pom Pom squad & the chess club on the prowl…
NATHAN YUARLY (confused) The chess club?
DANA YUARLY (firmly) Yes! The chess club! (slight pause) Dad I got desperate. I have approximately three years & 9 months until prom!
OBE YUARLY (exhales & pauses) Dana, we will talk about this in the morning. Just go to your room.
DANA YUARLY (remorseful) I’m really sorry dad. I reached rock bottom.
Dana exits the living room as Obe sits down next to Nathan.
FADE TO BLACK:
INT. DAY- YUARLY HOME
Each event occurs as Yancy mentions them in his monologue.
YANCY YUARLY (calm & distinct) Well here we are. Obe woke Dana up at 4:30 the following morning for some reason or another. Maybe it was chores, maybe it exercise or maybe it was yard-work… (opens a window) Get away from my lawn! (closes the window)
TORSO SHOT OF YANCY
(calm) The bottom line is, the only thing constant is change. Just as I went through my change, Nathan went through a change of his own. Now, Obe & Dana must relearn each other because…
EXTEREME CLOSE UP OF YANCY
(a little shaken) That little girl is growing up.
Yancy shakes his head in distraught.
CUT TO BLACK:
It feels nice to play the good son for once…
Here comes Toya rocking a baby bump, which is the direct result of our private, yet controversial love affair. She still does it for me. It has been two years since the tour collapsed underneath the weight of the plethora of cocaine fueled rampages, which seemed to plague the tour from its inception. That was then, this is now. My one night stand turned into a happily ever after right in front of my face. Toya fine tuned her attitude the instant she found out she was pregnant, which threw me for a loop mostly because I had become accustomed to “Toya” my boss not “Toya” my lover. I wanted to have sex with her, but so many things change when a woman is “with child” you have to put a salary cap on the love & affection. We have sex in the same sideways position because she has a fear something will happen to the baby if we change. I fear, the baby will be two & we will use that same position out of habit. After years of that process I could only imagine the horror I would feel on the day my blood decides to not leave my brain thus preventing me from becoming erect. It is totally fucked up that a man has to loose brain blood to become sexually aroused, as if we have to become senseless to procreate. Sad yet true. I practically became brain dead when Toya got over her morning sickness. Her electrolytes went up along with her sex drive, causing her to need sex as many as five times a day. Toya lost about 15 lbs in the early weeks of her pregnancy while gaining the same 15 lbs back by the start of her third trimester. No matter how confident & secure Toya pretended to be at work, deep down inside, she was horrified. I knew Toya expected me to leave her before the baby was born but I actually preferred being around Toya in comparison to being around people from work or to just being alone. In the beginning Toya was my boss; in the long run I became the head of the household we created together. Pregnancy sex began to change when Toya’s stomach grew to the extent where she couldn’t girate her pelvis long enough to actually call it sex. That’s when I started fantasizing about Sheboo again. We never spoke on our mutual attraction to one another because there was nothing to speak about. We have never actually touched each other nor have we been in a situation to do so, but with Toya’s sex drive on the fritz I had to take up the slack. Once I grew tired of humping inanimate objects I began having sex with Toya in her sleep. She slept on her side which left me with the task of sliding on the inside of her without breaking her sleep. I spread her garden apart with my hands, slowly making a tunnel to her entrance. Next I began to stroke her hymen with the tip of my pulsating, firm rod of a cock, shivering with each stroke of wetness from her heavenly hole. I removed my free hand from Toya’s waist to lift her cheeks apart; I knew I wanted to be inside of her so I didn’t hesitate to take her at that moment. Her body was warm & soft. She arched her back to give me all that I wanted, while I took stroke after stroke from her moist, tight vagina. Toya felt good to my mind & my body. Her butt had become so firm & round I found myself transcending to another place every time it backed into my stomach. I felt complete & utter bliss when her lower lips began to perform the “talk back symphony”. The smacking of Toya’s ass against my stomach combined with the sex noises her womanhood put out made me climax without warning. I didn’t stop. I wanted more than just one orgasm, I wanted to continue this all night long. I didn’t seem to go soft for even a minute before I was right back in her going as deep as I could. I held her stomatch at one point & I felt the baby kicking. It almost killed the mood so I removed my hand, while never loosing a stroke. Toya was wide awake by this time but she continued to sit motionless, moaning for more while cupping her breast. She squeeked & squeeled with pleasure while bracing for each heart pounding stroke. She called my name with tears in her eyes; she released her condensed waterfall all over my pocket partner. Toya flexed her thigh muscles causing her temple of glory to grip my hot throbbing steel with the strength of a thousand little rubberbands. I refused to be outdone so I stopped thrusting & began flinching my bat while my helmet nestled in the confey confines of her crevix. In the event you don’t understand how the flinch method works just use the experience of using the toilet & your sphincter cuts off a flowing movement as a comparison. I digress; the flinch method drove Toya insaine because it was sex with no moving. Shortly thereafter Toya would put a pause to the action for a short bathroom break, but upon her return, she positioned the pillows in such a way that she could get down on all fours. With that same passion & desire she had for me on that day we consumed each other in her trailer, Toya looked back at me & said “can you back door me? I really could use a good ass banging.”
Fairy tale endings have been designed for man to cater to woman, yet, you have never heard of a masculine tale where the lead character actually gets a happily ever after. Make your own story! Grab hold to your life! Find someone you want to talk to in comparison to just accepting the left over love from a broken, mentally unstable, fragmented creature. Love yourself enough to know what you need in comparison to what you want. It is better to love being alone, than to hate being in love with someone. That is what makes a great lover, someone who never combines a need with a want. Toya definitely tops my list of great lovers…
Let’s use the phrase “keep it real” as just a suggestion. “Keep it real”, men know that being intimite with another man’s woman is the ultimate high because you get to eat all you want without all the additives & preservatives. “Keep it real”, just as all good things must come to an end, the end result could be this woman flips out, stops communicating with you & starts to damage your life away from her in ways you can’t imagine. “Keep it real”, you think this woman can’t damage you in the least bit, but, truth be told you can never know how far a woman will go to get her point across. She uses you for her own needs, you possibly gave her a bad vibe of some kind & now she wants, no she demands that fate leads you to have no where to turn, except into her web of Hitlerism. The bottom line is, how far will you go to get a nut? Women in general are very unpredictable when it comes to relationships but Toya had went from wild to woah in such a short amount of time, I had to firmly establish my permanent position in her life. Things were smooth between us when it was on a “tap & dash” basis, now the situation could possibly damage our life both seperately & together. Truth be told, while Toya was in the bathroom, I began to feel horrible about my sexual thoughts of Sheboo. “Keep it real” though, I could not possibly care for Toya & act upon the urge to see how some other female looks & feels from an aerial view. It is nearly impossible to do. No matter what, I will continue to make the choice to stay with Toya. She just does it for me.
Toya was nothing like my biological mother. Fairy was every guys dream girl. She was attractive, witty & most of all she had self respect. While Fairy was the model wife she was one shitty parent. The first thing I can vividly recall about Fairy is the time we were evicted from our home. The stench of manure & fuel filled the air on that particular night which was quite unusual for that time of year. Her father, Penny, was a leader of some sort & he refused to allow Fairy to remain in that home any longer. So after a very physical removal from the grounds, we were off to the big city to begin a new life. This new life would be filled with happy days & peaceful nights. I thought this would be a welcomed change in comparison to living life around Malikih. Malikih was Penny’s oldest son & he made life miserable for every child he was around. Who knew that Fairy would find more children who were exactly like Malikih. First there was John. He was a handicap boy of about eight or nine who had a burning desire to be the first boy to marry a boy. I hated John so much that I literally would take him to the edge of the staircase in his wheelchair then push as hard as I could. For weeks Fairy would always catch me in the process of giving John a good push down the steps then stop me before I could finish the task at hand. Finally, one day, I built up enough momentum to give John the ride of his life straight down a flight of stairs. Needless to say we were evicted from that home as well. I believe Fairy just could not take being evicted again so she decided to get a place just for us. Not long after moving into our home on the South Side, we became engulfed in a house full of people all gaping & asking for things Fairy had no power to give them. However, she seemed to make them all happy with her muffins & biscuits because they asked for them all the time. The biggest problems in that house were never resolved because the instant the good Rev. Doctor or the Militant Minister noticed Fairy had a problem with other women in “her” home, they all had biscuits & muffins with the snow bunny & all was forgiven. Candy was the only woman Fairy didn’t have a problem with, yet, Candy couldn’t stand the fact that Fairy was the one in control of the fate of everyone she came in contact with. How she gained this power was unknown yet she retained it never the less. The Rev. Doctor had lots of children his wife did not have any knowledge of. Once he came back from exile his wife wanted nothing to do with him, but, just as all the rest, she came to the house for biscuits & muffins & everything seemed to be alright. The Militant Minister found some new friends named Joseph, Aldo, Bernie & Conrad. They were just back from exile & they wanted Fairy’s famous biscuits & muffins after their long trip. One day Candy was making breakfast & I told her I thought it would be too noisy for us to have biscuits & muffins. I never knew how sad breakfast could be until that morning. The good Rev. Doctor had just arrived to the house & there was a big circus there to hear him speak. I don’t remember seeing the clowns yet the good Rev. Doctor sure brought out the animals when he told the circus to “Have a Happy Christmas & a Merry fucking New Year!” I constantly looked forward to the clown coming in to beat the be-Jesus out of every person in the house; yet, I guess the clown took a vacation on that day. After the circus left the good Rev. Doctor introduced his new son Nicholas to the world of sausage so that all the ladies in the house could know what time it was. Although I don’t remember much about that household I vividly recall Fairy taking me as well as all of my belongings to my own secret place where no one would ever find me. This place was in the street behind the house, where the trucks would pick up the garbage. I remember this place because I would lay in the bed & my feet were in the clothes. When I sat on the clothes my feet were in the shit & while my feet were in the shit I would always desire to leave that place like the piss would do. The trucks would come by every day at the same time, I thought it was Fairy coming to take me to my real home yet she never came to get me. Then it was Christmas. I realized a few things on that cold winter day. First I realized I had been living in a dumpster, second I realized the trucks were stopping by to leave food for me to eat & every time the top opened to the dumpster the garbage men were checking to see if I was still alive. This made me hate Fairy more than John, Rayfull, The Militant Minister & the good Rev. Doctor. Donna claimed she hated Fairy just as much as I so she somehow became my next parent by law. It did not take Donna one full day to pass the kitty cat all around the house, yet, I waited patiently for the worst to begin. No sooner than Cansel showed up at the doorstep, my sorrows had started all over again. I hated Cansel from the first day we met. Donna forced me to pretend Cansel was a good person by saying I would “live the rest of my life with my feet in the shit” if I did not get in tune. I vividly remember Cansel stole my E.T. doll & vowed to never give it back no matter what. I vowed that one day Cansel would be on his deathbed & the only thing that would save his life is me being his friend. Needless to say my E.T. doll has not been returned to me & Cansel is dead. I personally thought his last press statement was depressing, but, that’s what he deserved for being a homosexual who enjoyed sex with little boys who did not want sex. I wanted my E.T. doll & my money. Much to my disappointment, Donna got pregnant by Cansel & decided to sell me for a nickel bag of smack to Karen the Nun. One could possibly believe that being in the custody of a nun would make for a happy & healthy home but that was not the case. Karen had a sexual deviant living inside of her which only came out at night. After one night Karen told me to get out of her house & never to ask about my money again. She stole from me. She gave all of my property away to her homosexual family & did her best to make sure I would never live to see eighteen. She let other people impersonate me so they could steal every opportunity I would have had to better myself. One day, she went on a raping spree with her big black dildo & from that day on I vowed that I would never let Karen know how I really feel about her. I have been living in the midst of that lie all my life. I hate Karen’s homosexual family, I hate Donna & Cansel, and I hate Fairy & Rayfull. Years have gone by & I must admit on this day that it does matter weather my sons are my biological children. I believe it would be better to honestly address these matters to myself rather than to be loved & admired by society for living a convenient lie.
“There are one-thousand milliseconds to every second. There are sixty seconds to every minute & sixty minutes to every hour. Twenty-four hours collectively compile the course of a day. Let this be known all across the land to all who can hear my voice. To those who are here, the prophecy has been fulfilled. The centrillium has no life mate to wed on his birth day because the bloodline has been perfectly matched to compress one hundred forty-four into one. As it is my duty to establish the measurement of time, it is also my duty to announce that the centrillium has wrote his first writings through the animatronics assistance of His Exalted Polynithernand. Let it be recorded as such for now until the fourth day of the centrillium’s hundredth year of life. His Exalted Polynithernand along with Her Empress Royale have both ascended in spirit to join their predecessors, while compressing their flesh in the titanium chamber of the centrillium. The Iron Maiden in waiting has laid in her patience to partake in the grace, a commoner who has traced the bloodline in haste, must yield to a love without sight of his face. I am Loru, the regal announcer & primary overseer of the writings of the centrillium. Princeville is the location I choose to house these writings. The centrillium will arrive at Princeville upon the thirteenth year of his existence. May the greatest of the demi have mercy on us all?” He continued “WHO WILL CHOOSE TO CROSS THE CENTRILLIUM? People of LeTheni, rest assure it will not be I. Long live H.I.M. H.E.P.”
This reoccuring dream has plagued my very existence for the majority of my life. At one point, I spent every waking moment snooping around & watching my elders sleep; I became relentless in my persuit to find out who I truly am. Were my birth parents royalty? If so, how did I end up here? These questions were a thorn in my shoe, stabbing between my toe with every step I attempted to take towards the truth. While I have yet to discover my true identity, for now, My name is Valentino Barkenstuff, guitarist extraordinaire. It’s ye “Old Mexican Standoff” when I step on the stage because I can help you across the big river. Don’t let the soft exterior fool you, I can help you underneath that river as well…
Well allow me to be the first to explain that not only do I judge every female according to Fairy, I have recently made a conscious choice to abstain from all sexual contact indefinitely. When I told Toya she said “so”. I have not only removed my desire for Toya, I have dissipated every woman’s power over me for the rest of my life. You see, I only have a desire for sex. I am neither gay nor homosexual nor any other innuendo which can be used to describe sodomy. I am a man who has removed his dependancy on vagina to make room for his genuine needs. This is my way of snatching Toya’s power away. Once she laughed in my face I told her to call all of her so called friends, have a pussy bumping, sexy bubble kiss pajama jammy jam, then remember I don’t want your love no more. I had to have sex every day! Well at least I did when we were together. Now your love ain’t good enough?! How dare I say it out loud…? How could I not want your love?! I have to want your love?! I hate you & now I’m gonna show the whole world exactly how much by declaring abstinence! You have lost your luster Toya, I need so much more than you can afford to give.
I never meant to fall out of love with Toya just as I didn’t mean to marry Sheboo, but that’s another can of worms. After Toya loss the baby I began to realize, after six miscarrages & a still born baby, I was not welcome nor was I desirable to Toya, so I decided to leave. Here it is! I am just a man who has never had the mind state to be where I am not wanted. More importantly, I just don’t go where I don’t want to be. I wanted to give back all of the sexual experiences she gave me. I wanted her to take back all of the gifts; all of the breakfast, lunch & dinner she prepared with her hands. I wanted Toya to take the happy jokes, the weed & coke as far away as she could; please. I wished she would take back her drive in theater, back seat of the car blow job, her submarine sandwiches, her trips to Lovers Lane, her mini golfing expeditions as well as her sexually stimulating cuddle rub time. I would make sure Toya left me with no traces of her presence; for this is the way things must be from this day forth. I don’t want to see her face at all. The grandest portion of the human mind is its ability to act upon the gift of free will. My free will has become the guide to emotional freedom, yet, contrary to popular belief, it has not led me to devise some plan to get back with Solar, Toya or Sheboo. I wanted Toya to feel powerless. My collective “exgifriends” have shown the world that it only takes a few good women to turn a good guy into an introverted hatemonger.
As the acting gigs dried up, I took a job at Victory Cityland Casino & Showroom to cover the slack. By this time I have two children, one by Sloar & another by Onyx, both are boys. Sheboo opened my eyes to a world of information before we were divorced, things I would have ordinarily overlooked. Take the casino for example; where the proverbial “nigger tax” is alive & thriving on a daily basis. When a black person wins a bonus or a jackpot, it is the job of the casino employee to ensure that patron does not leave the casino with that money. Idealistically, the patron will fly off the hinges & get arrested but there are those instances where cooler heads prevail, like Jonesie. Jonesie won at Texas Hold ‘Em Bonus with $165 on the bonus on a suckers bet, where the casino pressures a patron to bet all they can in one hand. The key to this suckers bet is to make sure the patron is short one chip, thus allowing the casino to take all I the patrons money in a “legal” way. Seeing whereas the gaming industry has no federal regulations to obide by, it is open season for hatemongers. Jonesies’ situation was totally unexpected because no one could have anticipated Jonesie buying a chip from another patron while that patron wanted to buy a cigarette. Orion Olando taught the suckers bet scheme to new casino employees all across America, which led me to believe it was a national conspiracy spearheaded by Orion Orlando, the “nigger tax” enforcer.
I met Orion once during our training session, but I grew to dislike his persona within minutes of our encounter. He had his lovely assistant Miriam working beside him during the training session. Miriam had a “hands on” approach to teaching. She was especially kind to black men because she was fully aware of the fact that the basic principle of the suckers bet was to rob black men or should I say casino patrons in a flash. Half way through the training session we were given a 30 minute lunch break to calm our nerves. Orion went to the high limit table area while Miriam went to her highest limit of taking the D. I saw Miriam in the employee parking lot fumbeling with her car keys out of distraught. Naturally I asked her did she need some help, but, the closer I got to Miriam the more I noticed she didn’t need help at all. She needed someone to help her take her panties off. When I finally was in front of Miriam I noticed her leaning with one hand on her car while the other hand was lodged inside of her pants, holding a buzzy neighbor against her clitorus. Miriam watched me as I approached her so I know this training session was definitely going to be a one on one situation. Miriam unlocked her car doors with her key fob, slid opened the back door & asked me did I want to sit with her for a minute. I thought about it for a second & almost walked away; with the buzzy neighbor sending her to places I could only imagine, I hopped inside her mini van & took a seat. Miriam quickly jumped in after me, closed the sliding door & sat on the seat next to me. She unbuttoned her pants to get more leverage for her buzzy neighbor, then, she unbuttoned my pants to get a closer look at my package, or so I thought. Miriam actually began consuming mouthfuls of my tip & shaft, all while keeping her buzzy neighbor very busy. She was just what the doctor ordered, a self starter who wanted to gobble a cock during the stimulation process. Miriams’ lips smacked as though she had lost control, her grip was firm yet soft against my shaft. At one point Miriam began to allow slob to run down the shaft of my penis only to suck it back in her mouth without any hesitation. Miriam swirled her tongue around my tip while her buzzy neighbor brought her to her peak, but it seemed that wasn’t enough. She stroked me harder while her mouth went further down my shaft, that wasn’t enough either. Lastly, Miriam simply removed me from her mouth just as I began to ejaculate. She used both hands to stroke my liquid kids into her open mouth. Miriam had a ferocious, body shaking, tear filled orgasm; she also kept my sexual excretion in her mouth as if she were a squirrel hiding nuts for the wintertime. My orgasm kept flowing & Miriam kept stroking as though she was unsatisfied with the deposit I made inside of her & she wanted more. I know she wanted more but I had to get back to my training session & I would, as soon as Miriam was totally & utterly satisfied. About twenty minutes after the second half of the training session began, I saw Miriam & Orion sharing a kiss & a coke through the door. Miriam left the casino but Orion continued to talk & spit, training us how to rob black, I mean, casino patrons. I have nothing but love for myself, yet, I have no desire to taste my orgasm. Not in the schematics at all…
There is an empty space in my chest right where my heart once would pulsate sporadically for love. In this space there is darkness. An eternal pit of blackness which does not have a gangster swag or some false “power to the people” slogan. This blackness can not be measured in cool nor in convictions, for it has nothing to do with race at all. The blackness I speak of is all about a void. Maybe I should have given my number to the friend or the twin sister or what ever. Maybe we could have found that happily ever after, you know the one that shimmers in the last pages of every fairy tale ever written. Maybe I should let go of love all together; what would happen to the woman of my dreams if I throw in the towel? Would she end up with a clueless, closet homosexual who would prance around the world with his trophy on his arm? Would he risk life & limb to protect her honor? Would he allow her to come home to a clean house, a hot bath & a home cooked meal? Would he give her hours of oral pleasure while she smokes a marijuana cigar? Could her future withstand being without my hug, my touch or my kiss in her present? Maybe, maybe not. Since my “not so” amicable divorce was finalized Sheboo & I have been more intimate than ever. On the set of what could be considered a “platform pilot” type of television show, we laid together for days while the cast & crew were on a two week sabatical. She was in town after returning from a two week engagement & I lived just feet from the set of “Who Wants To Be With Betty?” You see, Betty had just suffered from a very bitter & public split from the girl group “Land Line” & now she wanted to find a husband through a series of recorded events that could be edited for a television show format. Nevertheless, Sheboo played the backup dancer who would pop out of a storage trunk; the rapper, Rotary Tone, would call on her when he performed his smash hit “A Bitch In A Box”. For the first time, Sheboo was the coolest person I had ever known. She took off the weave, the nails, the makeup, the eye lashes & the facad of her life as an entertainer. Sheboo hated the proverbial “positive public persona”; she had come to missed the mark on countless occasions in her own opinion, yet, she exemplified this persona, that was according to those who did not know her personally. Sheboo ultimately grew into a person who craved sexual attention like no other. We slow smoked some rice on a hot plate while snorting sugar. She partied then rolled a marijuana cigar to level the blast off into her pneumonic nod from the sugar. The sugar was premium shit so you know she got hot fast. Sheboo began to touch herself with my hands, she trembled as she pressed her naked chest against mine. The steam from the rice mixed with the buzz from the sugar created an ultimate erotic experiance. Her fresh breath, which complimented her seductive kiss, forced my brain to process the softness of her skin & it sucked the fucking power from my body. We both engulfed ourselves in touching her vagina, our naked chest brushing against each other as we thought of every reason not to be as close as we were. No reason was good enough to stop my intestines from quivering like a catagory 5 tragedy; my nerve endings made love to the 1,440 degrees of air around me. My head became lessened of it’s normal flow of blood; It had drained to my estrogen soaked, hyperventalating lung located beneath my knock off dollar sign belt. I began to burst loads of protein onto the surface of Sheboo’s cervix as she wrapped her arms around my back, clawing to what would be the first of many orgasms. There we sat, lost in the aftershock of our emotional roller coaster, holding one another as though it would give us a chance to start from the beginning. We kissed each other with a passion that made the world disappear into some distant place, a place that was entirely to far for us to go. We interlocked hands, shaking from all the permission granted from the word yes; trembling from the need for attention from a loving & familiar place. This place was a comfort zone we had firmly established through years of combative horseplay combined with decades of self denial by refusing to become involved in a physical relationship. That was then, this is now. I located a file stored deep within my mental roladex that made me bite Sheboo on the collar bone while putting the tip of my pinky finger on the rim of her anus. I wanted to get as close to the area of skin that separates the vagina from the asshole as possible, but Sheboos’ ass made it a challenge. I saw the look in her eyes, it excited Sheboo to watch me spread her cheeks apart with the amount of strength it would take to pull apart a phone book. It made her realize how attractive she actually was. Sheboo was the type of woman who would take a shower & ask you to watch out for spiders in the bathroom. She was the most sexual person I have ever known. Her back was arched in such a way that she eased my pinky finger inside of her ass. She fainted with satisfaction, she cried tears of bliss. Pieces of my sexual dreams were left there inside Sheboo, dangling from her walls like a swarm of bats in a cavern. I left my inability to love again on the floor, while Sheboo reached for new horizons by climbing up the walls. She loved the way I forced her to stand up & place her hands on the wall. I began to lick her from behind while spreading her ass; her thighs trembled & her flesh screamed for more. When I had to get some air, I noticed how perfect her thighs stood apart to display her femininity. With that picture fresh in my mind I dove in, consuming her hymen as though it were chocolate, spinning circles around her sphincter to work on her tightness. I could taste her body in my stomach, it was as sweet as sugar to my palate & I couldn’t get enough. At one point I totally forgot Sheboo was there; I licked her upwards & backwards all while her hands were on the wall. I felt her tears stream down her face then land on my leg, I heard her fingernails clawing at the walls then all of a sudden, her palms slapped flat out of sheer bliss. I loved to service Sheboo & she was compliant to my demands. I told her to arch her back, she flattened it. I told her to relax, she opened every inch of herself to me. I begged her to cum, she lost consciousness & fell on top of my head. After cracking my neck back in place, I returned to my utopia, burying my face in Sheboo’s womanhood while wrapping my arms around her hips through her legs. She never took her hands off the wall & I never had a thought to stop pleasing her. I inhaled her lower lips which created the type of vibration a person would use when playing a brass instrument, but in reverse. “Please stop!” Yelled Sheboo “You breaking me down. I don’t want to live without you, or this, or us! You take my breath away! I don’t want to be sprung, I don’t want to get sprung.” She rambled. This sent my adrenaline into high gear so I pulled out the “Clit Popper” to finish the job. I would describe the “Clit Popper” but I would have to kill you; secret slutty guy business…
July 2, 2002
Right now I am sitting around a bunch of opportunistic, low life, nothing ass artist who refuse to find a life of their own. Every time I am in the middle of what is important to me, the phone rings with some piece of shit ass hole looking for something I am not in the market to give. You duke wave kit wearing ass clown, I hate you. You always fucking up people couch, car seat & basically their whole life with your “I am to cool” attitude & your piece of shit swag. You must know that the just of the matter is this & nothing more, your morals are closer to none than any, you are not a product of your environment you are just a sub par human being. In this day & age, looks or personality can remain a non factor because the big picture is to get the girl; a phenominal woman who will not hesitate to become just as immoral as she can to please or be pleased. These artist at one point were the male figures in these womens’ lives. They coached these girls to believe the dumb ass shit most cum wads think, so now she stops complaining about men because she believes only a real woman could date a complicated person. You artist disgust me with your sissy strut, your dirty luck as well as your shiftless way of life. Popping a bottle, busting down the bitch you never had & smoking that loud seems to be all that life is about. Real men have refused to marry or start a family because you stupid artist have corrupted the female population to the point where the cliche “can’t live with em, can’t live without em” has turned into “Holla at you? What for?” Big Ballers have created a need for living expenses while the need for something real depreciates with every second that goes by. Keep your “I should stick that mark” mentality, your “I got to stay gully” grim & your “well he don’t know” gestures to yourself fucker! You have fucked the world up enough already.
July 10, 2002
East Chicago, IN
Religion teaches us that The Devil was God’s most beloved angel until he questioned God & was cast out of heaven. In today’s society, we have glorified all things related to a dark or dismal foundation, thus popularizing themes of The Devil’s mission on earth. Seeing how we all want the house, the car, the chick & the bread to match, no one is excluded from being a byproduct of The Devil & all that he stands for. I have anticipated the saved & sanctified saying “it ain’t me”. Truth be told, it is apart of the human psyche & no matter what or who you are, you are one among the multitude. You have the desire to be what you have not achieved in life, yet you have not altered your actions to comply with your DNA’s capability. When a black man improves his financial situation the first thing the mass populace wants to know is what white girl has he taken to his bed. Second, the public wants to know has that black man gave back to the less fortunate or to the hood. Why should a man who has been told all his life that “he ain’t shit, ain’t gonna never be shit & it is all because his daddy ain’t shit” want a woman to reflect that madness upon his life at a time where stress should be of a totally different magnitude. You sit your bitch ass, vagina toting selves around your “mutha fucking man” & watch the dude suffer without so much as a little bit of assistance. You serve dope & depend on that one person you know the streets don’t test, then cling to that person for protection because you good at slick ass open ended statements, which, never allow you to admit you just a greedy pig to cheap to pay bodyguards. You want the hook up, the goods on the low & the whole ya dig for the free ninety nine. You don’t want to earn what someone can give you or you can take. What does it matter whether a brother gets a white girl? Are black girls so tired of just being the sweetie to they sugar daddy that now they campaign to be “that bitch” who get that Johnny Carson divorce settlement money? You say no, I say yes. Standing in line at the currency exchange, the cougars complain about “what the black man problem is…” while at the grocery store the coeds are talking about “girl I just want him to make just a little more money…”
Its all about the gratification of what we want without following any rules. What happens when the “day of judgment” arrives & you realize you are going on home to live with The Devil? Well, in the event I just did not get it right by caring for others, being selfless, praising God for the good & bad, obeying the commandments & remaining sodomy free, then I plan to be The Devil’s worst nightmare. I’m gonna set up shop at the Ninth Gate, smoke & drink all day, keep reminding The Devil of what thus said The Lord & find a way to keep some ice water.
I love ice water.
July 21, 2002
Here are five ways to ensure I can keep my head up to the sky while falling for the next great love of my life. Note to self: use at your own risk.
1. Do your best to remain “pretty proof”, while no one wants to be ignored, it is even less appealing to watch someone fall apart without bouncing back quickly.
2. Don’t change your routine, change your lifestyle. The only thing constant is change so be prepared for change in comparison to being forced into a change that may ruin your moment.
3. Don’t be afraid to take on the emotional baggage that comes with starting a new relationship, you never know how long the journey may be.
4. Focus on your mate, not your family or friends. A perfect mate will know how & when the time is right to go to that level of meeting friends & family so don’t rush if it doesn’t feel right, if it seems like you need to go to Las Vegas; follow your instinct.
5. Be sure you know what you want from your new relationship & do not accept anything less. Compromising means you offer your mate what they want in exchange for what you want. Don’t be diabolical in your desires, be fair, honest & loving; it will come back your way.
Old trusty No. 5.
August 15, 2002
Kansas City, MO
While on location for the sit-com, I received a script from Toya that caught my attention. I could invision my fans relating to the subject matter to some degree or another, so, I latched on…
PAGE NO. 1
INT. WELL LIT BEDROOM-NIGHT
Establishing shot: Vent mounted on a wall with two red, two white & two blue strings of medium sized yarn blowing from the air.
Damn! How did this fucking shit happen?
I have tried everything I possibly could,
yet, here I am, just as I always am,
broke & pissed off with nothing to smoke.
I hate being broke just like I hate not being able to smoke. I am sick of living my life this way. I hate living this way!
The air from the vent stops blowing & the strings lay flush against the wall.
EXT. CITY STREET-DAY
We watch GIZMO briskly walking down the street talking casually on his cell phone. The streets are empty, with a car occasionally passing by.
No man, I am glad that worked out for you! I know how hard it can get out here G. When a nigga taking risk it is always good when you don’t get popped off. Stay safe fam, I’m almost at the crib.
PAGE NO. 2
(Walking to his apartment taking his keys from his pocket)
I just wanted to check you out & shit you know. I’ll hit you up if I get on something later on, bet? Alright then. One.
I really felt this script could expand my depth as an actor…
August 25, 2002
A Poem for You…
I tried to search both high & low to find someone you see,
The first day brings a truth unspoken although my eyes don’t weep.
I know that I can hear you talk even though I am not around,
Masturbation just ain’t masturbation when you need someone there to get down. I put my heart out on the line I am always left sad & blue,
Do I stay at home being all alone do I find somebody like you?
I will accept the truth the all of you the woman who God has sent to me, I will accept your soul give you mine & much more this love is meant to be. Release your inhibitions your innermost fantasies & all of your wildest dreams, Release the pressure pinned inside your walls do not be afraid to scratch or scream.
So just hold on tight & don’t let go because this is our only chance,
To co-write this happily ever after; to spend life together as woman & man.
Truth be told, Toya showed up to my trailer wearing a raincoat in the rain today. The set was closed due to cloudy, windy showers & wind gust reaching 75 mph. I had developed a stall in my mid section, which in turn had a dramatic effect on my performance both on & off camera. She went to a business dinner earlier in the day & drunk herself into a freaky, nasty frenzy, aka, she needed to feel me inside of her. We never gave up on being sex partners despite the fact we gave up on being in love years ago; Toya knew how to put an end to my slump in a major way. I walked into my trailer & there she stood in a pair of hiking boots, looking as though she was horrified to be there. She begged me to listen to her without interrupting. She popped a combination pill then untied the belt to her raincoat, which in turn revealed her birthday suit, shining, shimmering & unrestricted. She pledged to be submissive then signed a “air disclaimer” empowering me to take her in every way possible, no matter how unconscious she became. Toya wanted a “pass out party” with all the bells & whistles included. I stood at the door in awe of Toya’s hour glass figure when I noticed the combination drug kick in; her speech became slurred, she swayed back & forth as if she were fading in & out of consciousness. I walked twards her just as she collapsed in my arms. Yesterday Toya showed up to my trailer & passed out for the sole purpose of having a “pass out party”, but I thought she was just tired & needed a peaceful place to sleep. Today, that was not the case. I carried Toya to my bed; she felt virtually weightless in my arms. Her voice became faint but she continued to reiterate her desire to get fucked weather she was conscious or not. I laid Toya down gently on the bed, admiring her beauty & her body as I tried to create some new & exciting way to punish her with pleasure. Her body was proportionate in every way, her constant chattering brought upon a sudden urge to put my manhood in her mouth. I stroked my tip against her lips as she rambled on about how she was such a slut. I muffled her stammering while stroking her hair behind her ear; her jawbone remained open as her tongue fluttered against the vein located at the bottom of my tip. I looked at the size of my hands in comparison to my dick then began to stroke myself with the intent of gaining girth. Toya’s mouth watered as she slithered her squirming body close enough to stroke her clit against my right kneecap. Looking at this take charge woman long to be “sleep-slammed” brought a sintimintal feeling over me, yet, the only words my womanizing mouth could utter with a eyeful of tears was “DAMN I LOVE FUCKING YOU! I WANT TO DO THIS FOREVER!” I sealed that orgasm with one spontaneous felch of a kiss which made me gag for an instant but one good spit later I went straight to eating Toya out. Just as I suckled her breast in the cylinder I created with my tongue Toya said in the most seductive, yet, defenseless way “spit in my mouth daddy. I keep passing out then coming back. I grant you a full body pass ok, I’m a big girl I can…”
Take it! Toya could really handle rough sex no matter what form of sex may present itself. Be it vaginal sex or oral sex, anal sex or manual stimulation Toya was great. On some mornings when I bairly had awaken, Toya would give me her love in front of Sheboo; as Sheboo watched out of fear. This fear came from her decision to persue her career as an unfaithful whore. We lived together a couple months ago but I picked her up from work one day with all of her belongings inside of her car. With Toya granting me permission to give her a full stroke fest the orgasm down her throat was not enough. There was a carnal desire to emotionally connect with Toya which had reached its demise, while the sexual conquer arose to the challenge of breaking Toya in; I love her. As I looked down at my shaft parting her vaginal lips, I began to stroke Toya using a emotional response that was somewhat comparative to a full body orgasm, despite Toya’s unresponsive state. I oozed with warm & fuzzy feelings as my right hand grappled her waistline, her breast rotated in a complete circle against my left arm to the rhythm of my stroke. I buried my head against Toya’s neck then began to plow her left wall, she came to life for an instant, letting out the sexiest moan for more pain in her pleasure. I specifically targeted stroking to the right, so much to he point I released my second orgasm deep inside of Toya’s womb. This orgasm did not reach the massive load I released the first time, yet, I felt a sense of euphoria that rocked me to my core. I took a deep breath only to realize my full erection had sustained itself, which led me to lick Toya’s ass just enough to fit my head inside of her. Her rim was open from my tongue’s circular motion in & around her ass; my shaft popped inside of her small intestine like a bag filled with air. She broke wind during the process, bringing Toya to a calm state of sexual bliss, almost smirking at the power of my thrust, yet becoming supremely aroused by the slight wind separating her rectal walls from my throbbing blood stick of love. Toya’s ass was a perfect semi-circle, providing a continual round of applause, celebrating my primal instinct. I cupped her right breast in the manner an athlete would secure the ball while breaking through a wall of defenders; she laid at an angle, still subdued from the combination drug, dripping patches of my sexual secretion from her mouth in addition to her hymen. I could hear Toya moaning under her breath but I had no clue what she was saying despite the fact of the matter, I knew exactly what she wanted. I arched my slumping spine to take some of the pressure off of my lower back, but somehow Toya rolled over on her stomach as I continued to trample over her backyard garden, crushing her flowers. With every stroke I took, I began to want Toya to wake up from her self-induced coma. I wanted to see her reaction; I grew in girth from excessive masturbation & I could feel Toya flinching from every inch of my rod she took inside of her. I wanted to kiss her; I wanted to tell her I loved her. I wanted to wake Toya up & ask her to be my wife. I wanted to pound her asshole until it conformed to my manhood. I wanted to cry while laying my head on her breast & confess how much I despise the things I am the epitome of. As I continued to pack Toya’s trunk with my junk, she regained consciousness long enough to spread apart her butt cheeks, inviting me into her body with open arms. As Toya’s arms slowly slid from her backside to the bed, I laid flat on her body while supporting my weight with my elbows. I straddled Toya’s voluptuous hips while thrusting deep into the depths of her, penetrating her wall of defense, making her very presence intoxicating to say the least. I felt her backside ramming against my lower abdomen with the same might as when we first made love in her trailer. I could not take it, I had to release my liquid kids inside of her, I had to let Toya know I had fell madly in love with her & I refused to let her go. My body convulsed, my heart skipped a beat. Toya was open to whatever I had in store for her, yet, what she didn’t anticipate was next on the menu. I went to the restroom & got a towel to wipe my residue off Toya’s body. First I wiped her face clean then dabbed specks of protein out of her hair. Next, I parted her legs to wipe her mid section. I had unknowingly given Toya such a pounding that her vagina & her backside were both swollen to a smile. I wiped her from the front to the back, being careful enough to caress each fold of her womanhood. I glanced at Toya with adoring eyes, that was until I thought back to the time when she was involved in a lesbian love affair with Sheboo. I broke down into a tear filled frenzy remembering our children & the horrible way their precious lives were taken away from us…